Jan 13, 2008
The constant battle between light and dark being fought in the deepest recesses of my soul is pushing its way to the surface. And there is nearly no question who the victor will be...
This darkness from within is taking over. Every tiny pinprick of light, in essence every hope, is suffocated by its black embrace.
Everything is...going away.
There's nothing but black...and red. The darkness of a soul is almost always sanguinary. In this empty abyss I see my reflection. A misguided soul with no purpose, no future, no use. A black hole of despair and worthlessness with nothing to offer anyone except the threat of the same fate.
There's nothing more for me. I'm nothing but the tiniest flicker of candlelight, ready to be extinguished by the next whispering wind.
It may be soon. It might be soon. It feels near. Already I am fading...
Posted at 03:56 pm by hawk13
Oct 23, 2007
Openness. Honesty. Trust. Cornerstones for a meaningful,
emotional partnership. I understand that. I accept that. I like that. It’s the execution that eludes me. It’s not as though I haven’t
tried! But intimidation has a grasp on me that holds my tongue. I have the
desire to share all that I am. My fears, my hopes, my dreams. But I’ve built a
wall that separates us and it is no easy thing to tear down. A wall not of
mortar and stone, but of anxiety and wariness. You see, I’ve watched
you-unseen-behind the safety of my wall. You lounge unaware on a gleaming
marble throne. The marble - symbolic of wisdom, experience, confidence,
strength, and independence. I have, on
occasion, ventured a step or two past, but never for long. I’m afraid. I’m
intimidated. I yearn for the day when I can share the throne upon which you sit
so comfortably. I want to be there. I want the shared connection that is
whispered on the wind that originates from your side of the wall. It teases and
But I question myself and I fear that I could never have the
right or the worth to sit beside you. A wooden bench of naiveté, self-consciousness,
and insecurity befits me here, on this side of the wall.
I have a burning need to demolish the wall with a wrecking
ball built on the hope that you will welcome me on the other side. The
machinery awaits me. I’ve used it once and broken off a chunk of that wall. The
wall isn’t so high anymore. Isn’t so indomitable. You’ve seen me now, at least
a glimpse of me. A tiny peek at the scared, but anxious girl that watches you
from the other side of that damnable wall. I’ve seen you, too, from the gaping
hole left by the wrecking ball, and what I saw on your face in that moment was
enough to ignite a tiny flicker within my core. When you looked at me, I didn’t
see rejection. Instead, I saw warmth and acceptance. I even thought there may
have been a shared wish to ravage what remained of the wall. It was enough to
kindle something within me. Something that makes me eager for the day the wall and
all it stands for is obliterated into free passage.
The day will come. It approaches surely and steadily. Every
pass of the wrecking ball is another step closer to you. I know now that I can
be there with you. I can leave behind the fear that I’ll find no place with
you. No equal footing. No real contribution to the luminescence of that marble
You’ve given me courage. You’ve empowered the machinery that
will clear the way from me to you.
You’ve seen me.
You’ve seen me and you still want me.
I want you too.
Please be patient with me.
Posted at 05:22 pm by hawk13
Jul 29, 2007
b l e e d i n g..
Posted at 11:03 pm by hawk13
Jul 27, 2007
I give my heart freedom to do as it will, and yet in this one thing I wish I could obstruct the direction it chooses to take. In this one little thing I wish I could grab hold of the reins and just gain control somehow. But control always eludes me. I don't know how, or maybe don't want to know how to put limits on what my heart dictates. And yet, it's too hard to give it total freedom. No, it's not that it's too hard. That's the easy part. It's dealing with the ache and hollow feeling that follows that can be near unbearable at times. I know the cause of this pain is not intentional, but it doesn't make the bleeding of my heart any less agonizing.
I know the cure. At least, I know a way out. I think. If I could only put a stopper on my heart, I'm sure I'll be able to bear it. I could twist open the stopper a little at a time, instead of allowing this wild freedom to love as thou wilt. A sad cure, I think. I would wish, always, for a time when my heart could love as it wishes. But I don't think it could handle that in the long run. The tiny pinpricks in my heart that give it the character I am proud of and content with, would eventually lead to a beaten, ragged, shredded, irreparable heart.
I'm angry that I have no control. I'm angry that I'm hurting. I need, or want, to stop caring so much or so freely and openly. It always leads to heartache. I don't want to have to feel this way. I just want....
I just want....
Why can't I have what I want?
*sigh* Less poetic than previous entries, but more blatant. I'm hurting and have no time to get my thoughts around what my heart is yelling at me.
(Added on July 29)
"A rollercoaster of emotions." That's how Nelly phrased it. She was talking about how she was feeling for the last 6 months. While my 6 months have had their share of emotional turmoil, I think that I've had it easier. My heart didn't begin its overtime work until 2 months ago. But what it did go through sure wasn't easy. There were times when I just wanted to run away. I wanted to escape. I recall a sketch I drew on Mel and Runi's white-board. It was a simple 2-D drawing of a girl standing on a precipice overlooking the ocean. The tips of her toes aligned with the precarious edge. A mere step away from oblivion. Or escape. It was a depiction of my desire to run away from my fears.
In the end, I didn't run.
When it became utterly clear to me what I truly yearned for, I made the decision and followed through. While I dreaded what was to come, I knew that it was the right choice. I had to choose what I wanted for myself, and not stay in a situation that I wasn't happy in just to avoid hurting someone else. It was difficult, but I got through it.
Was it worth it?
To get out of the predicament I was in? Yes.
To get involved in a new set of emotional ups and downs?
Now that's the ultimate question. I know the answer, too.
The earlier half of this entry might imply that I have doubts. Or regrets. And I may have, at least at first. Ok, I admit, even at the time of that writing I still had doubts. But, after reflecting on the situation, I've come to a change of heart.
It's been easier to just let my heart be free. To love as it chooses. Without abandon. The painful part comes after, when the affection is lost or unreturned. The pain is ridiculous in that it hurts so much. And I feel silly for having it affect me so, especially when I know (at least in my mind) that the hurt is unintentional. I think somewhere, in my heart of hearts, that I wish to one day be at the receiving end of a freely loving heart. At least to experience it. Even for a moment.
I'm being silly, I know. My fears are unfounded and I'm letting myself get carried away. Why? I don't know. I think I'm looking for outlets. I think I'm letting myself stay in this place - not quite unhappy, but not happy. I think this is the creative zone I need to stay in to finish something. So maybe, this whole entry, all of it, is some silly way of keeping myself in a not entirely grounded state. Wow, I didn't see this coming when I started writing this addition. Well, on that note, I think I should end this before I discover any other startling revelations.
Posted at 11:03 pm by hawk13
Jul 13, 2007
“Well, tell him he’s got 3 weeks,” she said. I did. Now, the
end of the allotted time draws near and the anxiety grows with each passing day.
Despite all talk of keeping things casual, there is a tinge
of unease brushing at the edge of my consciousness. A voice, no more than a
whisper, chastising my selfishness…my increasing desire to keep close that
which may not be held long. It cannot be helped. When happiness stirs my heart,
I can think of naught else but what can be done to preserve the cause of my
This cause, this reason for the rapture in my soul, is one who has exhilarated my senses with a renewed zest for life. With this
truth, I can long for nothing more than to keep this harbinger of happiness by
my side. And yet…oh why must there be a
“yet,”... what price must be paid for my self-interests? A separation, for
a time, may present itself. This I anticipate with a dread that gnaws at my spirit, but it is one I will
gladly face if the other choice be a permanent severance from my harbinger. But
have I the heart, or more so the right,
to ask the same? For just as a bird seeks liberty from the confines of a cage,
this free-spirited light of my heart is in need of open skies. In a different
time, perchance without looming separation, things may be different. It would
not be so hard to ask for ardor shared if space serves not as a barrier.
I want and crave, but cannot ask.
I need and desire, but cannot wish.
I miss and yearn, but cannot hope.
If asked to give voice to the deepest longings of my heart,
I can only say thus, “In what seems an infinitely short amount of time, I have
been privy to happiness incomparable to anything I have felt in my two and
twenty years. My heart is full with tender memories and the glorious anticipation for what may be.
In the depths of my soul, where selfishness does not reside but only honest
desire, there is but one hope. To be with the one who has sparked a fire within
me, which now burns to fuel a new dance of life that we may join in and find
ourselves never lacking in a partner.”
That is what I would say.
For the other I can do naught but guess.
Three weeks have found an early end. Indeed, it has now
dwindled down to a mere three nights. There is nothing to do now but wait. And
I will, with anxiety ever growing.
I want and crave, but cannot ask.
I need and desire, but cannot wish.
I miss and yearn, but cannot hope.
Posted at 06:58 pm by hawk13
Jul 8, 2007
I seek asylum from
this torture. No, not torture. To be more precise, I crave escape from emotional confinement. In years gone by, I shied
away from outward displays of human passion – grief, joy, tenderness.
Specifically, feelings of melancholy were held at bay. Tears were best shed
with only the inner self to stand as witness.
However, as time
marched forward, I have learned to embrace all the faces of humanness. In
truth, my soul makes as its breath of life the sensations of the heart. In
friendships, I am abounding in the joy of camaraderie. In family, I thrive on
the bounty of filial loyalty. In love. Oh,
Where do I begin, when
such is the reason I write?
Love is not so much a single-faceted
emotion. Rather, love is ecstasy.
Love is fierce. Love is passion.
Love is grief. The scope of love is
greater than the deepest trench of the sea and wider than the immeasurable
vastness of the universe. With love, the heartstrings are plucked like a harp
to melodies in every genre imaginable. In love, there are romantic ballads,
tunes of love lost, and harmonies of bitter separations.
I revel in the kaleidoscope of love.
In love, I soak up the
happy memories like a new blossom starving for its first taste of sunshine. In
love, I fan the flames of passion, eager to witness the ensuing conflagration of discovery and ecstasy.
In love, I wallow in the bittersweet for the thousand tiny pinpricks it leaves
on my heart to reveal a heart well-used.
To contain emotion is
wasteful – a vile disregard for the complex machinery of the human heart.
I choose a freedom for
my heart that it has not known before. In times of sadness, I will weep and
grieve to the dirge orchestrated by the drumming of my heart. In joyous
moments, I will share my overflow of mirth with a generous spirit. In
anger…anger is a delicate emotion. I am slower to anger, though I am not
ignorant to the occasional need for it.
When the beat of the
heart abides love’s conductor, how then can anyone imprison the free expression
of emotion? For that matter, why should anyone care to? When the heart pulses
with compassion, affection, adoration, why should the world be denied audience
to such untainted honesty?
Who would place
boundaries on a heart’s reign?
Where do those borders
If lines must then be
drawn, when may they be crossed and with what restrictions?
Is it a sin to care
too much? And, if that be the case, I know not what to do for penance is for
the repentant and my free heart renders me not
the least bit contrite.
Disclaimer: I speak of love, but understand that love is
expressed variably in different relations. Love of friends. Love of family.
Love that may not yet be love, but can be one day. I hope this is clear enough
for whom it is meant.
Posted at 05:13 pm by hawk13
Jul 5, 2007
I'm on the verge of stressing out.
I'm counting down.
I'm looking ahead with hungry, watchful eyes, but with a feeling of unease tempering my happy mood.
Posted at 06:37 pm by hawk13
Sep 14, 2005
A quick summary of my recent activities
So, Hazel inspired me to write in my blog. However,I highly doubt my ability to keep up with her consistency. Instead, I opt to write one fairly succint, but precise sum of what I've been doing lately and I just hope that will suffice for now.
Jobs jobs jobs
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a job as a front desk clerk. It's a very easy, laidback type of job. I mean, that's not to say I don't have responsibilities, because I do. It just means that it is on the low end of the stress-o-meter. I sit for a couple of hours at a time, answer phone calls, answer questions, sign on equipment and other items, and other similar tasks. But, most of the time, I'm free to sit and do homework, listen to music, or watch TV (depending on my shift time). It's been a pretty good job lately. I get paid $8.50/hr and $9.00/hr if I work between the hours of midnight and 8am. Not too bad, I say. And I work this job for about 14-15 hrs a week.
Then, I have another job as the "General Biology Lab Prep Room Assistant." That's just a fancy title for someone who washes used glassware and checks/cleans microscopes. I do this job for only 2-3 hours a week. It's quite easy as well. And the pay is actually quite good for such a simple job. I get paid $9/hr. But I do only work for a few hours.
Lastly, I have another job as a teacher's aide I guess you could call it. This job actually came as a surprise. I checked my e-mail one day and I got one from Professor Chihara (she's teaching Genetics this semester). She was asking if I would like to help her grade the homework for her Genetics students. I thought it was really strange that she would ask me, considering the fact that I was never her student and we had never met. I had taken Genetics last semester with Professor Dever. So, you see I was in a bit of a shock. So, when I went to meet with Chihara on Monday, I asked her how she got my contact information. She said she talked to Dever and asked her to recommend someone for the position, and she recommended me! You can only imagine how flattered I was and how proud I was of myself. I even went straight to Professor Dever to thank her for the recommendation and she just made me feel better by telling me she thought I would be good for the position. Isn't that nice? Well, this job will only be about 2-3 hrs/wk, but I do get paid $9/hr. So, I think I can expect some fairly decent paychecks. Decent enough for me at least.
*sighs* I don't even know where to begin with this topic. For those of you who may not know, Salsa was my Betta fish. He was a cute, fat lil red betta. He was given to me by my freshman yr. roommate (who I've vented about countless times before). She got some other fish or something and just decided to give Salsa to me. This was sometime in Fall 2003. He was a great fish. They say betta fish like to stare at you. I guess it's their way of showing affection. Salsa liked to stare at me alot from his fish tank on my desk. Silly fish. They say Betta live an average of 2 years. Well, sadly, those 2 yrs came to an end for my poor fishy last night (Sept. 13). From his behavior, I knew his time was coming up, but it was still a shock. He was such a good lil fish. I didn't think I would be that sad, but I soon found myself welling up with tears over the death of my Salsa Bean. And I couldn't bring myself to flush him down the toilet like some unwanted garbage. Instead, I (along with my roommate, Taruna, and my RA, Holly) went outside (yes, at night) to go bury him under a tree. Poor fishy. *sighs* It's so sad to have to look at his empty fish tank, always half expecting him to come out from behind his plant to stare at me or to make his little bubble nest for the female that would never come....Rest in Peace my little betta.
I have other updates, I suppose, but I think I'll save them for later. I'm looking into a volunteer job at the SF Zoo, but it's not set yet. I'll wait until it is to talk about it. For now, that's all. Thanks for reading. ^_^
Posted at 01:38 pm by hawk13
Jun 3, 2005
Whoo! Exciting news for me!
Ok. Very short entry 'coz I'm lazy. But here goes:
Not only did I get the Front Desk job for next year, but I also got the Gen. Biology Prep Room Assistant Job! Isn't that exciting? Now I'll actually have money. Oh my gosh. ^_____^ Isn't that amazing? Ok, well, it's amazing for me. Hehe. Yay! *dances around the room*
Posted at 03:38 pm by hawk13
May 11, 2005
And as another semester winds its way down, I begin to take note of the little things...........................................................................................................................................................................Heh. No, I don't really. But I thought that would be a good starter for a much awaited entry. It draws attention, makes people think "Ooh, an in-depth look at another bygone semester. This should be interesting. I can expect reminiscing and maybe some funny anecdotes." I hate to disappoint my readers, if my long absences have even allowed me to retain any, but that is not what this entry is about. In fact, I have yet to determine the exact purpose of these seeminly meaningless letters on the screen. I think, like with freewriting, I'll somehow stumble upon a bright, enlightening piece of information I can share with the rest of you. Or....*crickets chirp* perhaps I will find nothing. Nothing but a vast emptiness of mindless words fluttering on an endless expanse of dark teal. Hmm. I ramble, do I not? Why, it seems so. Could this be the reason I fail so routinely in this daunting task of *shudders* updating? I can think of no other reason than that. *sighs*
Perhaps I should move on to matters of more interest. *thinks* Hmm *thinks more* Wow. *thinks even more* Oy. *thinks even more!* OUCH! My head hurts. *rubs her temples* Who would have ever thought this process would hurt so much. Geeze, and you wonder why I don't update. Ok. I'll be serious this time.
Summer is coming up. I don't know what to do yet. San Jose and their unreasonable policy of only allowing Open University students to register on the first day of class has only compounded my summer school problems. I thought it was supposed to solve it. Now I will be totally at a loss if I am unable to take the course over summer. I'll be positive though. I know I can do it. *nods* I can do it! Whoo! Go Val! Give me a V! *silence...pin falls...Val goes deaf* Oooookay, fine. Don't partake in my optimism. What? I can't hear you...speak up! WHAT?!?! ARRRGGGHHH!!!! *crawls into a hole*
Ooooh. I forgot to mention something quite interesting. I got a new Betta fish! I named him Sanguine. Isn't that a pretty name? It means "reddish color" or "cheerfully optimistic" or "confident." So now I have two fish: Salsa (Bean) and Sanguine.
Posted at 01:08 am by hawk13